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Packet: VIPER
Date: 06-27-95 (23:47)             Number: 954
From: JEFF HANCOCK                 Refer#: NONE
  To: *.*                           Recvd: NO
Subj: warning labels                 Conf: (49) Jokes (SBCNet
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 Ý        This message was written by KEN ELLIS to DAVE COBLE         Þ
 Þ                   and forwarded from area FUNNY                    Ý
  ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß

from the Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products.  We loved one particular entry for its
wonderful idiocy:
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't
made up.

- Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub:  Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.  (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
- Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball:  Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers:  Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee:  Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

- On a refrigerator:  Refrigerate after opening.  (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
- On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one
cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so
incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you
night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion,
unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your
nerves.  (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
- On a disposable razor:  Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
- On a handgun:  Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.  (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
- On pantyhose:  Not to be used in the commission of a felony.  (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
- On a piano:  Harmful or fatal if swallowed.  (Peter Fay, Herndon)
- On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  Not to be used for breast augmentation.
(Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
- On Kevorkian's suicide machine:  This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.  (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On a Pentium chip:  If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- On Lyndon LaRouche literature:  Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
looking at? Quit staring at me.  (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On work gloves:  For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
- On a palm sander:  Not to be used to sand palms.  (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
- On a calendar:  Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied.  (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On Odor Eaters:  Do not eat.  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- On Sen. Bob Dole:  WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
- On a blender:  Not for use as an aquarium.  (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- On a fax machine:  WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image
of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the
photocopy.
(John Kammer, Herndon)
- On syrup of ipecac:  Caution: May cause vomiting.  (Paul Styrene, Olney)
- On a revolving door:  Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- On children's alphabet blocks:  Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.  (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
- On a wet suit:  Capacity, 1.  (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- And Last:  On The Washington Post:  Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

Ken
...<shift><return>?  I can't even find the clutch!
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