How to leave the planet
You have been carefully selected as a totally random member
of the Human Race. This chapter is for you. Before you read it:
1) Find a stout chair.
2) Sit on it.
This chapter has been spontaneously generated by the PASSING
ACQUAINTANCES OF THE EARTH computer. It will appear in this book
when the computer judges that the Earth has passed the
(Possibility of Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon)
If you have this chapter you may assume that the crucial point
has now been passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be
the future of the Human Race.
The following instructions are for you:
Leave the planet as quickly as possible.
Do not procrastinate.
Do not panic.
Do not take the _Whole_Earth_Catalog_.
HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET
1) Phone NASA (tel. 0101 713 483 0123). Explain that it's very
important that you get away as quickly as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, then try to get someone at the White
House (tel. 0101 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear
3) If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel
0107 095 295 9051) and ask them to bring a little pressure to
bear on the White House on your behalf.
4) If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 010 396
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer
and explain that it's vitally important that you get away
before your phone bill arrives.
WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING
Where everyone else in the galaxy is heading. Stay in the
swim, hang out in bars, keep your ear to the sub-etha. Send all
information home on postcards for the benefit of the next wave of
Earth emigrants.Current information says that everyone else in the
Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic Sector JPG71248.
It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of hunky
rock in the known sky.
WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE
Difficult and unbelievably dangerous.
Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly
frightening things happening in it, most of which are best dealt
with by running away very fast.
You should therefore take with you:
1) A pair of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of
outrageous design and mind-mangling colours; experience has
shown that if, while strolling through the ancient swampworld of
Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly across an appalling alien
monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth, several dozen
tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces of
Zangrijad, and a terrible temper, it is in your immediate best
interests that the monster should be for a moment
a) startled, and
b) looking downwards.
2) A towel. Whilst the monster is temporarily confused by your
footwear you should wrap the towel round its head and strike
it with a blunt instrument.
3) A blunt instrument (see above).
4) A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing
after incidents such as the above. Guilt is known to be an
electromagnetic wave-form which is reflected and diffused by
the material from which these shirts are made. Wearing them
protects you from worrying about all sorts of things, including
your unpaid phone bill.
5) A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super Chromatic Peril-Sensitive
Sunglasses. These will help you to develop a relaxed attitude
to danger. At the first hint of trouble they turn totally
black, thus preventing you from seeing anything which might
6) All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst traveling.
It is very easy to make enemies by continually singing a song
you don't know all the words to, particularly on long space
7) A bottle of something. There are very few people in the Galaxy
who won't be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a
bottle of something.
In case of physical injury, press the button relating to A)
part affected and B) nature of the injury simultaneously
[ ] leg [ ] broken
[ ] arm [ ] bruised
[ ] head [ ] wrenched off
[ ] chest [ ] mauled by Algolian suntiger
[ ] other [ ] insulted
This page will instantly exude appropriate waves of sympathy
In case of doubt, confusion or alarm, please touch this panel
* HI THERE *
At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical
contact with friendly objects. This panel is your friend.
NB: On the assumption that nothing terrible is going to happen
to the world and everything's suddenly going to be alright really,
all the advice in this chapter may be safely ignored.
There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped
the chronicler's mind. - DNA