Answering Machine Messsages LIST

Ok. Since there seems to exist a somewhat spread interest in this:
Here it is, in its entirety:

The Canonical List of Telephone Answering Machine Messages:

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"Hi! I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message,
name and number, I'll call you back when I am..." *beep*
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"You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up
right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
with your penance."
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(1) "Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just
kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)"

(2) "Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background
noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK, what would
you like me to tell me?"

Also, something you might do after you've had the machine for a
few months is start answering in person with "Hello, this is a
live voice." (Variation on a theme by "The Cosby Show".) Or you
could try answering your own phone with "Hello, is Ron there?"
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"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone,
please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American
Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit
approval."
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"You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or
list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a
nice day."
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"Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here
right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
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"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now,
but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as
they can."
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[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if
you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as
soon as he can!"
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[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to
the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the
sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could."
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Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you
doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
number.
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"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
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"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a
moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound
of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to
you later."
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"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing
work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should
be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what
this button does......"
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A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people
while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its
2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your
telepohne number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
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(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available
right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to
leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone. This
tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
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"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
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"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read
all about it in next week's National Enquirer."
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In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other
church music Good Day My child, you have reached
{name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name,
number and short confession I will get back to you with your
pennance. Thank you and may God go with you.
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Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until
I call you back.
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A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went
out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a
loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS
KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND
NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."
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I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to
send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX
machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send
the data. They used to answer the phone with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG) "
Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause)
sequence correct: T minusone minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one
off that of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I
had some great fun with that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency
seven, do you want it on screen?" (silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long
distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude
sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance
call by dialing five digits.
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Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh... Hello?
Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy's answering
machine. If you give me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post
it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did
you say you live?
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But right now I'm using "This is a boring answering machine
message. Leave a message anyway." because I'm sick of people
ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever
messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving
a "like your message" message. Feh!
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[Must have good Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up
with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to
you.
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...}
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The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.
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Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke
signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
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Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a
channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be
broadcast into the future....
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Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T
STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara
Bush over ...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH
THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR
DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ..shit...Leave a message after the
tone...HEY, FUCKHEAD...
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Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid
speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a
message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
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"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine.
This is the Eighties. You know what to do."
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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
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Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
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"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French
Riviera..."
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One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a
rather interesting one:Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom
Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark's room. Tom is studying
ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn'isn'isn'isn't here.
isn't here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. 'bye!
bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}
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Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the
outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them.
One that we usually used during exam time was:{background music:
Billy Joel's _Pressure_ very loud}Hello. You have reached Tom and
Mark's room. We're a little busy now..{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after (exam
end date){ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very
out-of-tune BEEP! }
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My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I
recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try
it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try! -pZ]
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In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
Hi,... You've just reached
{name} pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell
but when we're done... we'llget back to you in whatever way we
can. You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother
wanted on that one...
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[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable
to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by,
bats. please leave a message..." etc.
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[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx.
we can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers.
please leave a message..." etc. (30 more seconds of music before
the beep.)
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(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets
like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until
shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em,
but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a
meshage. Thanksh a lot."
Must be spoken in a drawl.
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Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large
pizza with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
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"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick
up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
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In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect:
Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn't
work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it
chops,it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would
you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number
when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call
ABSOLUTELY FREE!
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"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number
and a message and if we like it we will return your call".
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However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only
one day per year: "This is David. I'm not using the phone over
Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the
holiday." No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom
Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole
calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and
leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.
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"This is David. Talk."
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"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and
taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going
to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages.
Please leave one."
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[with a kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra" in the
background...]
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached..." [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] "...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave
your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we
can."
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"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all
possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I
can't, so if you could leave your name and number..."
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"Hello?" "Sorry, he's not here
right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
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(woman taped off a "phone sex" service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm Linda. You know, it can be really
lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to
...
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
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Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering
machine:
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now
because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it?
But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it
eventually." BEEP
My favorite post quake message:
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we
got."
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"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new
parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to
get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try
to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner."
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Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? -
just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running
to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running
back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well
hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to a machine, so
please leave a message and I'll call you back.(this ran for a
while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had
a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
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"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right
now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm
still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone
right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look
like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and
I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been
restored to their normal charges."
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"Speak, worm!"
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
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"You know what to do at the tone."
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"Hello?"
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
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"Hello, I'm not here."
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it
with "Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
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Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right
now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah,
yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's
boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's
it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not.
Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah
that's it.
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One voice: I didn't expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answrering machine.
Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone
number. And message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and
message. And time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for
that, so just wait for the beep.
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(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are
trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have
to size it a little... HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW!
Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear
from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter
)... "
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(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate instrumental
accompaniment)I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spelland
if you don't leave a message baby you can go to
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Hello, this is . I'm home right now, and
in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP!
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[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get
back to you.
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" continues until the beep.]
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
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One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with
a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If
you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the
circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS....
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES...... ~~~
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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy
Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er...
bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's
ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear...
dern...
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How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't
understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder
what happens if I touch this... YOW!!
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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I
CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW,
recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when
you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
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I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice
phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I
bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time...
yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for
you...
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Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear
it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think
about it!... Don't...!
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After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where
you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for
you to come out of hiding.
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Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.
Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
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As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip
on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone...
the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a
beep...
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You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy.
You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower
and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone
you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and
a message.
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No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep!
No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
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Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...
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[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"]
Leave a message... leave a message... etc.
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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the
phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and
number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what
comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...
mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.
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[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a
message, and I'll get back to thee.
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[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
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I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in
the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If
you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork,
please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after
the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please
ignore this message.
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Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father
Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name,
number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with
absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't
count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic
detail!
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Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for
15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
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C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
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I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it
if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are
eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien
beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
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Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our
assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number,
and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
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Ok, One more time...
This is our answering machine...
This is the message on our answering machine...
..Any questions?
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Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
I must have dialed the wrong number.
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The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One.
Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been
disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at
the sound of the tone.
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HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to...
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
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"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out
there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us
where *YOU* saw Elvis!"